Why is my child misbehaving?

Children just don't naturally want to misbehave. Adolf Dreikurs writes about 4 goals of misbehavior, attention, power, revenge and inadequacy. I have added 3 more misdirected goals children have for misbehaving. When the goals are addressed in a healthy manner the misbehavior decreases.

Attention is a common goals children are looking for when they misbehave. Children need attention and will strive to obtain it even if it involves negative attention. Have you ever experienced this. Your child is ok until you pick up the phone and need to talk with someone and then for some reason your attention to the smallest of details is needed immediately. Ironically the attention the receive is usually met with irritation. This is clue number one. If you reflect on the emotion being elicited by the child's behavior you can often times determine the goal that your child is seeking to satisfy.

The feeling of irritation often denotes attention as the goal of the child. You may be asking yourself well then do I need to give in to the child all the time. No you don't. Just like you wouldn't give them food when you are getting ready to prepare a meal. If in hindsight you can say that you have given your child attention that is positive, playing and talking with them, then it is appropriate to delay the need a bit. Delaying the need while acknowledging the emotion at the same time. By not giving into the need when inappropriate and satisfying it when appropriate allows the child to understand that you see and hear the child. It is kind of like saying to a child, "I see that you are hungry now, but I need you to wait till lunch is made. Would you like to help me make lunch?"

Another way of addressing the phone call scenario is to say, "When I was on the phone you needed me to know something. Now that I am off what did you want me to know?" Also use this time to help the child know what is an emergency that would elicit being interrupted on the phone and what isn't. This is a skill for children to learn, not something that happens automatically. Remember we are social creatures and this means that we need the attention of others especially our parents.